The Very Thought Of It: WTF is this size? 

The late, great Victoria Wood once joked: ‘I’m 16 in some shops, 18 in some shops. In GAP I’m only a 12 because they’re American, in Marks & Spencer I’m only a size 3 because they don’t want to upset anybody. In Topshop my hips set off an alarm as I go through the door…’

Yes, I laughed too when I watched her tell the joke all those years ago, but now it’s not that funny. Now it’s effecting people in all sorts of ways: mentally, emotionally, physically. People go on crash diets when they realise that in Zara, they are really three sizes bigger than every other retailer and than anything else in their wardrobe. Some call that dramatic, but it’s true. It’s one of the biggest flaws of high street retailers - mis-sizing their products.

I call it the fitting room wiggle. You know, the moment you realise that you’ve pulled those jeans or that dress over your legs or hips a bit too far, and that actually if you go one more millimetre, you’ll have to explain to the rather aggressive fitting room attendant what that ripping sound was. You do the wiggle to let yourself loose from said garment. You do that thing of standing on one trouser leg to get out the other, almost like a horse doing the dressage trot.

But the thing is, they WERE your size. You were dead chuffed that they even had the right size hanging on the rail. You did that quiet ‘yessssss’ when you spotted it, held it up against your body and nodded in a ‘this will fit’ kind of way. The disappointment that those four fitting room walls must see every single day is just not OK. And the worst thing is… it’s false disappointment! And I’m here to say: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You haven’t put on weight in the four and a half minute walk from one shop to the next. You don’t need to spend another three hours on the treadmill tomorrow because you think you have gone up a dress size in a week. You know exactly what number that little label should say, it’s just that brands like to do their own thing when it comes to sizing. And there isn’t anything we can do about it.

Did you know there are NO legal guidelines for clothes sizes in the UK? And even though I truly believe that NO ONE should define their bodies by numbers, be it sizes or weight on the scales, we still need to know what will fit us and what won’t. But we’re all so confused! In a Prima magazine article, they reported that: ‘Topshop has a size 8 waist measurement of 64.2cm, compared with Next which has 67.5cm. For size 12, ASOS has 98.5cm hips, whereas H&M has 100cm. Size 16 was available in a 99cm bust at Next, but 103cm at ASOS.’ You see, each different retailer can make up their own measurements. So really, Victoria Wood was on to something. Are some shops adding on a few cms to make you feel better about your body? Do they know how damaging that is???

I remember a shopping trip, about eight years ago, where I deigned to pop into Zara thinking something would fit me. I entered the fitting room with armfuls of new season garb, all smiley and hopeful. And as I pulled the first shirt on, an XL, I knew instantly that this was going to be a disastrous outing. Let me just say that at the time, I was smaller than I am now - I was wearing easily a large, sometimes a medium - and actually I wasn’t in the best place with regards to my relationship with food and my body. The shirt I was trying on was skin tight. So much so that the button nearly pinged off. I am absolutely NOT exaggerating. Can you imagine what that did to my self esteem?

No? Let me tell you then… I wanted to crawl into a hole and not come out until I was two stone lighter. I wanted to cut the fat off my own body. I wanted to not eat the whole rest of that day. In fact, I don’t think I did. And I remember it because it is one of those vivid memories that really sticks in your mind. I stupidly went on to try on a pair of jeans that just about went past my thighs and round my waist, but didn’t even nearly do up. I was distraught, but I was determined to buy something, so I found a pair of boots that fit. Thankfully Zara hadn’t been allowed to make up their own shoe sizes.

I didn’t go into a Zara for a LONG time after, and even now I’m dubious. I went in recently, before lockdown, and tried on a top in a large. It fit perfectly.

There needs to be some accountability to brands. It’s not OK that in one shop you might fit into a size 12 jean but in the next, a size 16. I’ve spoken to a few friends recently who have had these experiences, I asked them how they felt, and the answer was a resounding: ‘AWFUL’.. These aren’t isolated experiences, they are happening everyday! I searched #badsizing on Twitter, and there are lots of complaints to retailers, hundreds. People expressing how upset they are, not only because something didn’t fit, but because of how it made them feel.

Working in retail, one of the main factors any brand needs to consider, especially with a big online shop, is return rates. No brand wants a high percentage, but I know from experience of online ordering that most of the time, I send stuff back. Let’s take ASOS for instance… hands up who orders two different sizes of the same thing to see which fits? Should you have to do that ALL the time? Of course you shouldn’t. I’ve got plenty from ASOS’s own brand in XXL, yet the rest of my wardrobe is between a Large and an XL. Where is the logic? Luckily I’m not easily offended anymore, I’ve risen above judging my body by the numbers on those bastard labels, but for many it still hits a blow.

In a world where we are, I hope, becoming more accepting of all bodies, it’s the retailers turn to do their bit. Listen to the people spending their hard-earned money with you, the same people who are returning shed loads of product because it’s just completely wrong in size. And as for the government, and laws, something needs to change. I realise that this is at the bottom of any legal pecking order, but having a universal sizing guide in the UK will ultimately stop people from feeling terribly about their bodies.

Victoria Wood was completely right.