Almost Over in Down Under

Hey,

A few things I will never understand about Australia:

1. They call Flip-flops... Thongs for some strange reason! Can you imagine my shock and surprise when I tried to get into a club with them on, being told 'No thongs allowed'. I was almost tempted to say to the burley bouncer '...but I never go anywhere without my Victoria secrets on!!!' but I stopped myself. I thought I had entered some weird fetish club – I’m not that kinda gal!

2. I have officially never seen so many Chinese tourists taking REALLY bad pictures of nothing in particular. They all use the same bored facial expression whether marvelling at the Opera House or feeding Kangaroos - I just don’t get it! If you're not happy to see it, don’t bore the rest of us tourists with that botox-numbed stare!

3. Almost every shopper I have seen has been carrying the same green net bag with 'Save the environment' boldly printed on the front of it. You see, the Ozzies are trying not to use plastic bags coz they are harmful to nature...so why then do they quite happily skin alive every kangaroo and koala going and use the skins as soft home furnishings! Strange huh??

4. ALL Australians think that because we are from England, we support a football team! I tell them the only thing I know about football is that it disturbs my Sunday afternoons!

5. Every straight male I have seen in Oz in a club, whether a native or not, just can not dance! Honestly, my bowels have more movement than all of them put together!

Anyway! After seeing our friends in Brisbane, which was really nice, we headed to Byron Bay. We had been told Byron was a really cool place, which it was, and we had also been recommended to stay in the unique 'Arts Factory', which we did. We checked in and Louise, Lee and I went to have a look at the room. I use the word 'room' loosely because what we had been put in (aptly named the 'love shack'!!!) was nothing more than a garden shed on stilts over looking.... a swamp! Not just any swamp, a sulphur swamp, so the stench was just... Well you can imagine! All three of us laughed nervously, and Louise, having seen the 2 homo's faces tried to smooth it over and said it wasn’t that bad! Let me tell you, it was!! We only stayed in it one night, obviously! I just couldn’t deal with how close we were to nature and how far away we were to the toilets! Me and Lee demanded to move, and although Louise kept saying 'its fine its fine' I knew deep down she didn’t want to be eaten alive by the creatures of the swamp!

We got moved the next night (after an unbearable sleep, to which I woke up with near 3rd degree burns from the sun's heat on the stupid canvas over our heads) to a proper room, with walls and everything! Byron was lovely. We stayed a week and just chilled out. One night we went to Cocomungoes - a bar/club, and had a dance and a few drinks. I was approached by an older looking woman (she was 44) who reminded me of my Clairvoyant. She asked if I wanted a dance, so I said alright nervously, and she asked if I wouldn’t mind holding onto her purse in my pocket. I thought she was planting drugs on me, so I quickly went to the toilet and looked in the purse just to make sure. I found nothing but money and a condom - very ambitious I thought! Anyway, towards the end of the evening, she whispered in my ear 'can I kiss you?', so I offered a cheek, but she said she wanted a proper kiss with tongues and everything!!!! She then said 'oh and I have bad breath and Halitosis' - IM NOT EVEN JOKING!! I thought well there’s a pick up line that’s original, and one I WONT be trying myself! She knew I was gay, so I wasn’t sure what she was playing at, putting me in an awkward position! I said 'no, I don’t kiss women' and thinking 'especially ones with breath that could wipe out a small family!’ She said 'it’s for my needs, not yours', I said to her, ‘Believe me it’s my needs that I don’t kiss women!’ She left it after that. And I left the club feeling so glad I am gay!

We went to check out Nimbin - the infamous town with enough drugs to fuel at least 3 Gun's and Roses concerts! To be honest, it was a bit of a let down, especially coz we hired a car (and subsequently got charged for smoking (cigarettes) in it!). It was strange to see though. What looked like ordinary women, the same you would see walking out of HOB on Bushey Heath (actually, those women aren’t really normal, are they??!!!), would be the ones offering you hash cookies or an eighth of this and a joint of that. I thought if my mum ever wanted a change of career! Even the kids offered drugs! Their first words should have been 'mummmmm' but instead it was 'riiiiiiiiiiiiizla'. The whole town seemed to resemble an aftermath of a night of drugs. Even the dogs looked stoned! We bought some cookies, they didn’t really work, but we did piss ourselves at the poor receptionist on that night for no reason at all! Poor love!

Almost everyday while we were with Louise we seemed to have a disaster! We would say 'what’s going to be the disaster for the day!?’ For example the charging for smoking in the hired car, Lee cut his foot, Lee not having a full length mirror to hand 24 hours a day, something got cancelled. We decided not to predict the disaster for the day when we went whale watching - didn’t think it was worth jinxing ANYTHING! Whale watching was superb. We didn’t think we would see anything, and I nearly screamed out 'WHALE! WHALE!' once until I noticed it was a piece of drift-wood! We did see whales and they were spectacular! They were just so huge, and when they jumped out of the water it was really breath-taking - literally... when you got a mouthful of splash back! The disaster while whale watching was that the boat's steering went, minor if you actually think about what could have happened!!! Lucky they don’t eat meat, they would of had a feast on me!!!

Most of the days were taken up by reading our books and lying by the pool, or looking at the shops - if I never see another didgeridoo again it will be too soon! We tried to cook a BBQ on the beach one day, but the BBQ didn’t work and looked as rusty as my 13 year old bike's chains - hardly hygienic! Byron was fun all in all. Had a lot of fun and frolics! We left Louise in Byron while us gays headed to gay Sydney.

Sydney - the land of the impeccable drag queen! We stayed in Sydney for a week and are now in Melbourne which you will hear more of next time. Sydney was a great city, although I had so many expectations it seemed to be a bit of an anti-climax, and the fact that my friend Helen wasn’t there was a bit disappointing. Walking around and exploring the city was nice to do, although it reminded so much of London.I don’t think I would ever live in Sydney, but I would definitely go back to check out Mardi gras. We did hit the scene, after being isolated from anything queer in Byron and beyond! It was good to see, and

Oxford Street

was fun. Especially House of Pricilla!!! I'll tell you more soon. Melbourne is lovely too. It’s more relaxed than Sydney (not sure if I prefer that). You'll hear about both cities in about a week. I think it’s safe to say I would sooner move to New York, so you're all safe, that’s only 7 hours down the road, not 24!

Anyway Kids,

Be safe, be good and happy Halloween!

Si xxxxxxxx